Thursday, 12 November 2009

Hell Toupee!

On first sight it was monsterous. Big, hairy, scary, and just look like it would fucking kill you. The stuff of nightmares. I actually woke up one night thinking it was after me. Whispering my name in dark corners, I can still hear it now, sayng come to me. Just the though of it on me give me shivers and a cold sweat.

We've all seen them. My mother used to squeeze my hand to the point of pain everytime I pointed one out and laughed.
I saw this and couldn't believe I sat through it straight cold sober. No bump of k, laughing gas, nothing to ease the pain that is this 2 hour droll pile of shit I felt like I just watched an Eli Roth movie. Dirty and shamefull. Eli Roth movies suck and are the equivalent to teenage masterbation. You know where you tell your mom your fixing your hair, but the shame of guilt is far worse. Actually I saw Nicolas Cage back in the early 90's when he had thin hair (all 7 strands), but like watching this I kept thinking this can't be real and get me outta here. Much like when I was a snotty brat watching David Carradine in Kung Fu thinking, hey that guys not chinese. Then when Kung Fu came back I still thought, wait a minute that guy's still not chinese.

Watching a wig on the big screen is frightfull enough. Some comic genious thought to make a parody of Neil Labute's remake of The Wicker Man, or as I like to call it Nicky And His Wig: Vacation From Hell. There should be a petition to stop certain directors from fucking up certain movies that have maintained cult and classical status.
When I was a kid I saw The Wicker Man, and it disturbed me cause it was the first film I saw where no one came to save the good guy. I couldn't believe those wierd people let alone Pagen practioners walked the earth. A religious cop trapped by lust and Britt Eckland's wanton ways looking for a lost girl. I do agree it is the Citizen Kane Of horror, and much like the classic should be sacred. In Neil Labutes's version, I couldn't wait for them to torch his ass! I mean Nicolas Cage just hams it up, so to set him a blaze only made sense. I would have brought the marshmellows for the kids to roast. If you can get your hands on the Double Boxed Dvd version of this classic film as I did, grab it, you'll be glad you did. Restored with the lost footage and deeper story line with Sergeant Howie, it is a must have for any horror fanatic.

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