Monday, 16 November 2009

Coming Soon: The Descent 2 FINALLY!

Great Posters for Great Films: 67

Feeding The Baby!

Children are selfish. There all me, me, me, me, money, money, money, and before you know it, they're requesting a damn pony. If ever a child asks me how my actual day is going, I might change my mind Childbirth is something that brings up fears in most people that makes them question their for-seeable future. GRACE is a movie that is very disturbing, much like paying homage to Hitchcock, Cronenberg, and Mr. George A. Romero. One of my favourite films is Little Otik about a wooden baby with an insatiable appetite, who may be a distant relative to Grace. That said, they may also be cousins to Rosemary's Baby. Something about squealing brats that will always put people on edge.

Directed by Paul Solet as his first feature. The story follows a pregnant woman Madeline, who has been dealt a hard luck hand of cards in life. A meddling mother-in-law, a deceased husband, and a dead baby whom she is still carrying after a horrific car accident that killed her husband. Encouraged to carry it to term, is an ordeal hard for any woman to chore. But Grace's former lover and midwife is on hand to ease the suffering. Madeline's love knows no bounds and the baby is brought back to life. With "special" dietary needs, so a trip to the market might be futile All hell breaks loose with the baby going into convulsions, bad body Oder, a kinship with flies and that incessant shrill crying, not to mention her endless hunger. Taking this brat to a play date at Gymboree is definitely a no go. What's a mother to do? Create a menu that consists of killing anything that gets between her and the straight descendant of Elizabeth Bathory.

Yes, this film might appeal to lesbian we-mens whom like corduroy jeans and the Indigo Girls. There is a subtle pace that works and the cinematography is beautiful, yet the story could have gone up a notch in the crazy department. Still the subtleties play well and this could keep going if it wanted to. If I were the mother I might want to introduce Grace to True Blood and give a warning to all monster-in-laws from hell to back the fuck off. Grace is a good enough watch and leaves you with a startling visual at the end that actually made me have a nightmare. Although the film centres around the breasts, lactation, erotic lacto-philia, and cannibalism, if you're a boob man you might love this stuff.

This movie could have been churned out for the bloody dimwitted and disgusting crowed, but it refuses to go down that path. Choosing to stick to the classic slow cooking horror genres that made them great. This was actually better than the straight to DVD It's Alive, only cause I can't get past Bijou Phillips stank skankness as a brooding mother. I recommend the classic It's Alive with Grace as the ultimate playdate from hell. Thing one goes out to little baby Grace and those babies from It's Alive, it's a bit fitting.

Thursday, 12 November 2009

Paranormal Activity

Ok. I really, really, really, and damn it I'll type it again REALLY wanted to like this movie. They hype, the clip editing, and the reviews. Paranormal Activity had all the making for a great film. Kinda like a slutty prom date, you just know she's a sure thing. I should know us sluts can smell our own. But the whiff of designer cheap imposter perfume has worn off and I smell like a road side whore jipped by a john with premature ejaculation. Frustrated. Was that it? WTF! Are you kidding me with this? This is some paranormal bullshit. Sure ok, there were two creepy scenes with the Ouija board and the dragging of Katie's ankels. Oren Pel (via Paramount) promised someting that was going to be stupendous and shocking. I am shocked I didn't slap a bitch in the screening room.
There are a few problems. The baby has pee'd in the bath water and needs to be tossed out. First there was the psychic. and the arguing over the which demonologist to visit, choose, whatever. I didn't find Dr. Dionne's Psychic Friend convincing and a little stupid really. No passage through the house during his visit ala Poltergiest. But looked like your everyday run of the mill panty sniffer who's picture is posted on the wanted wall at the Post Office for running scams. Secondly the burnt picture in the atitic. Come on, I mean if your going to fuck me at least kiss me and pull my hair. And the big finnish was that stupid website where the possesed girl appraently eats her arm and the whole thing looked corny and cheap. Unbelievable. Too far, too much, and too stupid. I smell Eli Roth? When the psychic obviously comes back, cause he needs his cash cow to kick up some duckets. The two hapless lovers are at a stand still. So were are left with blowing wind, baby powder on the floor, swinging light fixtures and noises to conted with and endless footage of her sleep walking. Big whoop.
My upstairs neighbour makes noise at 3 in the morning and I imagine him placing bodies in the floor boards. but this was just a little to hokey for me. To establish this film took like a full trimester, and maybe a few road trips. Come on get in there and throw shit around, really go for it. Yes subtle works but the shadows and the doors opening and closing were just a little to Disney Haunted Mansion for my taste.

The entity it's self, what a wuss. I mean it had a hold of her, at least Barbara Hershey's really gave her the money shot and an orgasm. What was horrifying was having to look at those aweful silk flower arrangements through the whole house. Jesus this woman was in need a of a gay friend with some taste. I kinda felt that the trailer really is far better than the film its self. What a shame.

There are three different ending to this apparently. I have seen two and with the proposed sequel given a green light. I say this isn't a must see, maybe a must rent, one day.

Know why she stabbed his ass is cause he didn't, you know,? He didn't once stick his car in the garage and rock the Casbah. I mean if I see a camera in the corner of a bedroom, I start making slutty porn faces and get blow job lips at least.

Hell Toupee!

On first sight it was monsterous. Big, hairy, scary, and just look like it would fucking kill you. The stuff of nightmares. I actually woke up one night thinking it was after me. Whispering my name in dark corners, I can still hear it now, sayng come to me. Just the though of it on me give me shivers and a cold sweat.

We've all seen them. My mother used to squeeze my hand to the point of pain everytime I pointed one out and laughed.
I saw this and couldn't believe I sat through it straight cold sober. No bump of k, laughing gas, nothing to ease the pain that is this 2 hour droll pile of shit I felt like I just watched an Eli Roth movie. Dirty and shamefull. Eli Roth movies suck and are the equivalent to teenage masterbation. You know where you tell your mom your fixing your hair, but the shame of guilt is far worse. Actually I saw Nicolas Cage back in the early 90's when he had thin hair (all 7 strands), but like watching this I kept thinking this can't be real and get me outta here. Much like when I was a snotty brat watching David Carradine in Kung Fu thinking, hey that guys not chinese. Then when Kung Fu came back I still thought, wait a minute that guy's still not chinese.

Watching a wig on the big screen is frightfull enough. Some comic genious thought to make a parody of Neil Labute's remake of The Wicker Man, or as I like to call it Nicky And His Wig: Vacation From Hell. There should be a petition to stop certain directors from fucking up certain movies that have maintained cult and classical status.
When I was a kid I saw The Wicker Man, and it disturbed me cause it was the first film I saw where no one came to save the good guy. I couldn't believe those wierd people let alone Pagen practioners walked the earth. A religious cop trapped by lust and Britt Eckland's wanton ways looking for a lost girl. I do agree it is the Citizen Kane Of horror, and much like the classic should be sacred. In Neil Labutes's version, I couldn't wait for them to torch his ass! I mean Nicolas Cage just hams it up, so to set him a blaze only made sense. I would have brought the marshmellows for the kids to roast. If you can get your hands on the Double Boxed Dvd version of this classic film as I did, grab it, you'll be glad you did. Restored with the lost footage and deeper story line with Sergeant Howie, it is a must have for any horror fanatic.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Scream Queen Boobs of the Month.

Whom can forget Rose Mcgowan's lucious chi chi's high-beaming through a sweater. A sweater of all things , jesus how big are her nipples anyways. Channelling Annette Furnicello and Jayne Mansfield for a new generation. Being some whoat of a scream queen with Scream, Death Proof and Planet Terror under those pendulous bodacious ta-ta's, she gets a nod. from me


When I saw Carrie, i was very young. It wasn't till I was 12 that I fully understood the dialogue. Piper Laurie turned in an Oscar nominated performance. She lost. It was at this time in my I realised that there was no God. Piper's monologue about giving in to sin and getting pawed by her husband with that "whiskey road house breath" , the brownest of the fine brown spirits. Smooth, dark, Tennessee... whoops where was I. Oh yeah, she liked it. I mean who doesn't, us drunk sluts need to stick together. Carrie is a classic in more ways than one. This movie defined a generation and set the bar for all evil whores in high school to get there comeuppance. All girl rock band Stone Fox named their first album Dirty Pillows, which was genius. Come to think about it is't been a while since I've been pawed by roadhouse whiskey breath, I need a drink.

Monday, 9 November 2009

Nightmare On Gay Street

So there I was watching Nightmare on Elm Street, when I was confronted with the biggest queen on screen since I saw Butt Slammers Vol. 8 The Ass Master Strikes Back. Oh Jesse You need to pull that stick out of your ass and put a nice fat cock up it instead, and let the boogie man take you away. Give in to the dark side Jesse. Hear it calling Jesse? You'll be on your knees in no time. Watching this film I forgot how gay the main character really was. Not that I have anything against gay people. I mean whom else are fat girls going to dance with at a high school prom. You can actually play a drinking game every time Jesse does something slightly gay, rejects the advances of a girl or even queens out with that gay shrill scream. Bitch Please. Then your left with a new game. The first friend to pass out, is the game. Drunk Guy Jinga. Genious, and hours of fun, that it will make you call in sick the next day. But if you wake up with memory loss and a sore ass, it's your own damn fault for getting caught up in the Metrosexual eighties closet.

I thought to myself, this movie was gayer than Lord Of The Rings, and that's pretty fucking gay. Phallic symbolisms every where, so read between the lines bitch. I was expecting Jesse to whip out Freddy's prok sword and call him daddy. Now that would have been entertainment. I mean That Freddy Krueger has got a bee in his bonnet and litterally wants to park his nails into lil ol' Jesse's face or ass. Take your pick. Gay groups might take offence to Freddy's Revenge, but I think he's just trying to help our little guy out of the closet. A metaphor that speaks volumes. He's here, he's queer, and wants to suck cock! Deal with it. Everyone goes through their experimental phase, even monsters.

Slutty Cinematic Moments: Take One

There are moments in movies that just forever burn into our stream of consciousness that for some reason or another just refuse to go away. Galaxy Of Terror was a film I saw when I was just a plucky kid, whom re-inacted the films most famous scene during recess to the kids of the playground. Made in 1981 and cause of great debate over the most famous scene that was later cut from some copies of the film. Leave it to spoil sports to ruin all the fun, Fun Sponge your table is ready. Any how, Taaffe O'Connell big moment was originally planed to be devoured by the large worm. Can you imagine the feign and shock when she was told that she would be getting some "pow chicca boom boom", from Willy The Worm. I believe that this is a role that Megan Fox will be playing in about ten years time. Especially if she keeps running her yap with the most bullshit Foxisms ever known to man. Popbitch, did an expose on Ms. Fox's whom the production team Of The Transformers franchise dubbed her, "Dumb as a rock" against Avril "My music is shit" Lavigne's "stupid as a box of hair". Sadly the box of hair won the sweepstakes on levels of stupidity.

What's amazing is that there is a website paying homage to the opus that has been long out of print. Seriously I am not kidding. So I scour bargain bins and car-boot sales looking for the mother load that is this movie. Still Mrs O'Conners's screams are oscar worthy, and any one whom can make you want to coil in fear then reach for the box of tissue soon afterwards, is my kinda gal. Staring Erin Moran or Happy Days fame, and Robert Englund and Sid Haig, this is a must-have for movie perv. Come to think of it I have had a few dates that ended the same way. And to quote Lydia Lunch, it doesn't mater whom you fuck or what you fuck, as long as you're fucking something, Taaffe might want to raise the bar a little higher in the sex partnerdepartment if you know what I am saying. I mean jesus the worm didn't even buy her dinner, how rude.

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

The Splice Of Life!

If Bjork were to ever have a sister I'm sure it would look a little something like "Dren". I would put money on it.The main catalyst in Vincenzo Natali's (The Cube) feature Splice, starring Adrien Brody and Dawn Of The Dead's Sarah Polly.

The premise goes a little something like this. Two young scientists (Brody and Polley) achieve fame by splicing human DNA with the DNA of different animals to create a new creature[2]. In the process they ignore their society's ethical and legal boundaries. The scientists name their creature "Dren", which is initially a deformed female infant, however, rapidly develops into a beautiful but deadly winged human-chimera. David Cronenberg is creaming in his manties this very moment as we speak. I am sure Richard D. James of Aphex Twin music would go incredibly well with this sort of picture. Make a hell of a video and a nice change from us looking at his mug all the bloody damn time.

Body Horror is nothing new but with the advances of stem cell research this is a nightmare that is probably right around the corner. What's more exciting about this film is that this could actually happen if not already, somewhere in a lab in a military base somewhere. As for those pervs into interspecies erotica, this may be up your street and down your block. The film will make it's way to the UK by new year 2010

This could easily turn into a franchise if the reviews are good enough and with both main leads stellar actors, this is sure to be a great film. Still I give her props for walking on her hands, no small feat by any means. This does cross my mind as Bjork or her sibling being a man eating creature. The resemblance is uncanny. Come to think of it she has been quiet lately. Uh oh.

Welcome To Screaming Mad Bitch!

This blog was created to vent and praise the celluloid genre that is Horror and all things trashy, tasteless and downright nasty. Sounds like a typical Saturday night for me, but anyhoo. Welcome.
I plan to entertain, titillate and shock your senses with my literal assaults and opinions, so that you may get a better understanding of the warped minds here at Screaming Mad Bitch. Let us know what you think of the blog. I am sure to see you little weirdos doing all kinds of stuff debauched things in the movie isles, especially in the back row. So remember, when they tell you to take out the trash, don't come asking me for a date. But then again I might do it for fifty bucks. Yours cruelly, Screaming Mad Bitch.