Friday, 22 January 2010

The Crypt Keeper Has a Sex Change!

If this shit doesn't give you nightmares or a little be of wee don't come out from laughing, you might want to consult your doctor.

Monday, 16 November 2009

Coming Soon: The Descent 2 FINALLY!

Great Posters for Great Films: 67

Feeding The Baby!

Children are selfish. There all me, me, me, me, money, money, money, and before you know it, they're requesting a damn pony. If ever a child asks me how my actual day is going, I might change my mind Childbirth is something that brings up fears in most people that makes them question their for-seeable future. GRACE is a movie that is very disturbing, much like paying homage to Hitchcock, Cronenberg, and Mr. George A. Romero. One of my favourite films is Little Otik about a wooden baby with an insatiable appetite, who may be a distant relative to Grace. That said, they may also be cousins to Rosemary's Baby. Something about squealing brats that will always put people on edge.

Directed by Paul Solet as his first feature. The story follows a pregnant woman Madeline, who has been dealt a hard luck hand of cards in life. A meddling mother-in-law, a deceased husband, and a dead baby whom she is still carrying after a horrific car accident that killed her husband. Encouraged to carry it to term, is an ordeal hard for any woman to chore. But Grace's former lover and midwife is on hand to ease the suffering. Madeline's love knows no bounds and the baby is brought back to life. With "special" dietary needs, so a trip to the market might be futile All hell breaks loose with the baby going into convulsions, bad body Oder, a kinship with flies and that incessant shrill crying, not to mention her endless hunger. Taking this brat to a play date at Gymboree is definitely a no go. What's a mother to do? Create a menu that consists of killing anything that gets between her and the straight descendant of Elizabeth Bathory.

Yes, this film might appeal to lesbian we-mens whom like corduroy jeans and the Indigo Girls. There is a subtle pace that works and the cinematography is beautiful, yet the story could have gone up a notch in the crazy department. Still the subtleties play well and this could keep going if it wanted to. If I were the mother I might want to introduce Grace to True Blood and give a warning to all monster-in-laws from hell to back the fuck off. Grace is a good enough watch and leaves you with a startling visual at the end that actually made me have a nightmare. Although the film centres around the breasts, lactation, erotic lacto-philia, and cannibalism, if you're a boob man you might love this stuff.

This movie could have been churned out for the bloody dimwitted and disgusting crowed, but it refuses to go down that path. Choosing to stick to the classic slow cooking horror genres that made them great. This was actually better than the straight to DVD It's Alive, only cause I can't get past Bijou Phillips stank skankness as a brooding mother. I recommend the classic It's Alive with Grace as the ultimate playdate from hell. Thing one goes out to little baby Grace and those babies from It's Alive, it's a bit fitting.

Thursday, 12 November 2009

Paranormal Activity

Ok. I really, really, really, and damn it I'll type it again REALLY wanted to like this movie. They hype, the clip editing, and the reviews. Paranormal Activity had all the making for a great film. Kinda like a slutty prom date, you just know she's a sure thing. I should know us sluts can smell our own. But the whiff of designer cheap imposter perfume has worn off and I smell like a road side whore jipped by a john with premature ejaculation. Frustrated. Was that it? WTF! Are you kidding me with this? This is some paranormal bullshit. Sure ok, there were two creepy scenes with the Ouija board and the dragging of Katie's ankels. Oren Pel (via Paramount) promised someting that was going to be stupendous and shocking. I am shocked I didn't slap a bitch in the screening room.
There are a few problems. The baby has pee'd in the bath water and needs to be tossed out. First there was the psychic. and the arguing over the which demonologist to visit, choose, whatever. I didn't find Dr. Dionne's Psychic Friend convincing and a little stupid really. No passage through the house during his visit ala Poltergiest. But looked like your everyday run of the mill panty sniffer who's picture is posted on the wanted wall at the Post Office for running scams. Secondly the burnt picture in the atitic. Come on, I mean if your going to fuck me at least kiss me and pull my hair. And the big finnish was that stupid website where the possesed girl appraently eats her arm and the whole thing looked corny and cheap. Unbelievable. Too far, too much, and too stupid. I smell Eli Roth? When the psychic obviously comes back, cause he needs his cash cow to kick up some duckets. The two hapless lovers are at a stand still. So were are left with blowing wind, baby powder on the floor, swinging light fixtures and noises to conted with and endless footage of her sleep walking. Big whoop.
My upstairs neighbour makes noise at 3 in the morning and I imagine him placing bodies in the floor boards. but this was just a little to hokey for me. To establish this film took like a full trimester, and maybe a few road trips. Come on get in there and throw shit around, really go for it. Yes subtle works but the shadows and the doors opening and closing were just a little to Disney Haunted Mansion for my taste.

The entity it's self, what a wuss. I mean it had a hold of her, at least Barbara Hershey's really gave her the money shot and an orgasm. What was horrifying was having to look at those aweful silk flower arrangements through the whole house. Jesus this woman was in need a of a gay friend with some taste. I kinda felt that the trailer really is far better than the film its self. What a shame.

There are three different ending to this apparently. I have seen two and with the proposed sequel given a green light. I say this isn't a must see, maybe a must rent, one day.

Know why she stabbed his ass is cause he didn't, you know,? He didn't once stick his car in the garage and rock the Casbah. I mean if I see a camera in the corner of a bedroom, I start making slutty porn faces and get blow job lips at least.

Hell Toupee!

On first sight it was monsterous. Big, hairy, scary, and just look like it would fucking kill you. The stuff of nightmares. I actually woke up one night thinking it was after me. Whispering my name in dark corners, I can still hear it now, sayng come to me. Just the though of it on me give me shivers and a cold sweat.

We've all seen them. My mother used to squeeze my hand to the point of pain everytime I pointed one out and laughed.
I saw this and couldn't believe I sat through it straight cold sober. No bump of k, laughing gas, nothing to ease the pain that is this 2 hour droll pile of shit I felt like I just watched an Eli Roth movie. Dirty and shamefull. Eli Roth movies suck and are the equivalent to teenage masterbation. You know where you tell your mom your fixing your hair, but the shame of guilt is far worse. Actually I saw Nicolas Cage back in the early 90's when he had thin hair (all 7 strands), but like watching this I kept thinking this can't be real and get me outta here. Much like when I was a snotty brat watching David Carradine in Kung Fu thinking, hey that guys not chinese. Then when Kung Fu came back I still thought, wait a minute that guy's still not chinese.

Watching a wig on the big screen is frightfull enough. Some comic genious thought to make a parody of Neil Labute's remake of The Wicker Man, or as I like to call it Nicky And His Wig: Vacation From Hell. There should be a petition to stop certain directors from fucking up certain movies that have maintained cult and classical status.
When I was a kid I saw The Wicker Man, and it disturbed me cause it was the first film I saw where no one came to save the good guy. I couldn't believe those wierd people let alone Pagen practioners walked the earth. A religious cop trapped by lust and Britt Eckland's wanton ways looking for a lost girl. I do agree it is the Citizen Kane Of horror, and much like the classic should be sacred. In Neil Labutes's version, I couldn't wait for them to torch his ass! I mean Nicolas Cage just hams it up, so to set him a blaze only made sense. I would have brought the marshmellows for the kids to roast. If you can get your hands on the Double Boxed Dvd version of this classic film as I did, grab it, you'll be glad you did. Restored with the lost footage and deeper story line with Sergeant Howie, it is a must have for any horror fanatic.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Scream Queen Boobs of the Month.

Whom can forget Rose Mcgowan's lucious chi chi's high-beaming through a sweater. A sweater of all things , jesus how big are her nipples anyways. Channelling Annette Furnicello and Jayne Mansfield for a new generation. Being some whoat of a scream queen with Scream, Death Proof and Planet Terror under those pendulous bodacious ta-ta's, she gets a nod. from me